Stop Beating Yourself Up!

When you’re invested in something; really invested in something that’s important to you, and you don’t see it going in the direction you’d hoped; when you’ve put your heart and soul into accomplishing something, building something, or creating something; when you’re the driving force behind an organization, a project, or a bold vision; when YOU are the leader, and the results you’re seeing are not fulfilling your expectations, what do you do?

The question I’m asking isn’t “what SHOULD you do?”, or “what WOULD you do?”, but “what DO you do?”. In leadership, when things aren’t going according to our expectations, there can be a huge temptation to judge ourselves mercilessly, and this is often what we do. We judge our own performance. We judge ourselves according to our own expectations. We judge against ourselves, using our results as evidence of our own shortcomings.

In other words, no matter what we did accomplish, we dwell on the areas where our results failed to meet our expectations, and we use those failures as evidence that we are lacking in some capacity, or inadequate in some way. In our minds, it sounds like this: “Sure I just landed three big contracts, but the fourth was the important one” or “Yes, I generated 45 new leads, but I forgot to pay a bill and now it’s late”. There are countless varieties, but these statements, whether uttered internally or actually vocalized, all basically do the same thing… they rob us of the experience of accomplishing anything.

Sound familiar? You’re not the only one! It’s human nature to focus on what’s missing, what’s broken, or what isn’t working, and to make it all mean something terrible and disempowering… “I’ll never make it, I can’t win, I’m a failure, I’m a bad businessperson, I’m inadequate”, etc.

The simple, but often over-looked fact of the matter, is that people are rarely, and I mean very rarely qualified to judge their own performance. Why? Because in order to sit effectively as a judge, you have to be able to see the situation objectively, and without attachment to any result. The more invested you are in producing a particular result, the greater the potential for loss of objectivity.

When it’s your game, your investment, and your sweat and tears, the ability to remain objective about your own performance is a rare ability indeed. Most of us are incapable of judging our own performance fairly, which makes us really rotten judges who really shouldn’t be judging!

Mostly, leaders are visionaries. We dream up a picture of what we want to build or accomplish, and we pursue that picture through our work. We expect to fulfill that picture in reality, and we organize our resources around that mission, no matter how bold it is. We keep our eye on the future, and we look for the gaps between what we see around us now, and what we see is possible.

When we’re feeling good about ourselves, our leadership, and our performance, these gaps occur as new opportunities to fulfill our vision in reality. In contrast, when we’re feeling bad about ourselves, questioning our leadership, or critically judging our own performance, we see the same gaps as problems, personal failures, or evidence of our own inadequacy.

Are you a victim of self-judgment? Here are some ideas that may help quiet the inner judge…

1. Make an agreement with someone who knows you well, to completely give up the habit of judging yourself and your own performance. The act of making an agreement with someone else will help you to start consciously altering the habit.
2. Set specific, measurable, attainable goals for your performance, so you have a way of relating to your work that’s based on quantifiable accomplishments, instead of how you feel about yourself in the moment.
3. Identify the specific tasks, areas, or events that trigger your self-judgment, and go to work on these areas. Many of these triggers are areas that we tend to avoid, out of ignorance, frustration, embarrassment, or resignation. Find out exactly what you need to do in order to be successful in these areas. Get help if you need it. Learn new skills if you have to. Eliminate the triggers.
4. Have someone else evaluate your performance. Entrepreneurs and small business owners often lack an objective, external view of their performance. Find someone who is qualified to provide this service for you. Professional coaches are usually quite good at this (wink, wink).
5. Celebrate your victories! Train yourself to focus on what you are accomplishing, by distinguishing your accomplishments and celebrating them. Make a list of major accomplishments each week, and celebrate them with other people. Let other people know what you’ve accomplished so they can share in the celebration!
6. Relax and lighten up! Rome wasn’t built in a day. Make sure you have dedicated relaxation and recreation time built into your schedule. Recreation is an essential part of a balanced life and a sustainable work plan.

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