Category: 
Dear Doctor Dot-Connector,
I need coaching in the following area:
Making amends with my sister and brother-in-law who after experiencing the brunt of my manic episode back in Dec. were unwilling to see me when they were in town today.
Coach away! Thank you for providing this awesome service!
-Seeking Amends
Seeking Amends,
You’re in a difficult spot, and you gave me precious little information to go on, so I’m going to address your request in a very general way and hope that it helps you!
In order to make amends, you have to create the space for them to be with you exactly as they are. Chances are, if they’re unwilling to see you, they were left upset by their previous interactions with you. Whether this is the result of a single manic episode, a simple disagreement, or the deterioration of your relationship over several years, the solution is the same.
If you genuinely wish to make amends, you have to allow room for them to view you exactly as they do, and you can’t be attached to changing their point of view. This means you may have to really sit with the fact that they’re unwilling to see you until you can accept that too, and allow it to be that way.
Making amends can never be about you, or what you want. It has to be about creating a pathway that leads toward a healthy, trusting, and respectful relationship, and allowing those you wish to make amends with to follow that path in their own time.
If you keep creating the path, they’ll probably come back to you on their own. You, however, have to be willing to accept that they’re not obligated to do so.
Without knowing the details of your specific incident, I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you that you have to respect people’s space, and point of view. You can ask them to let you see them, but you have to accept “no” as a possible answer and be willing to let it go.
Remember, you’re building a pathway. Respecting their wishes and their point of view helps keep the pathway clear.
Good luck to you!
P.S. It’s my profound privilege to offer this service. You are absolutely welcome.
Possibly related:
