Leaden Winter

Dear Dr. Dot-Connector,

I am struggling with unhappiness and boredom in my life. I’m 35 and working in a job that I just sort of backed into, my marriage of 9 years is devoid of passion & intimacy, and I have lost interest in all the hobbies I once enjoyed. I know I need to make changes, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how to figure out what makes me happy.

I’ve thumbed through some self-help books (but not actually read too many all the way through - can’t even get motivated to do passive activities like reading anymore) and the same theme keeps presenting itself: follow your passion. But what if I can’t remember what my passion is - how do I go about finding it again?

I have a very unique opportunity this summer to take two full months off of work fully paid. I would like to take that time to rejuvenate myself, my career and my marriage but I’m not sure where/how to start. My fear is that, as usual, I’ll procrastinate and end up doing nothing constructive during this time…

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

-Leaden Winter

Leaden Winter,

I’d wager you probably haven’t actually forgotten how to figure out what makes you happy. It sounds to me like resignation has gotten the better of you. You’re resigned about your life. Your resigned about feeling happy and passionate again. You’re not alone.

Resignation starts the moment you settle for something that’s inconsistent with who you are. Who you are, under the mask of your identity and the circumstances around you, is a being of pure and infinite possibility. When you suppress yourself by settling for things around you that are inconsistent with who you are, you become resigned about life.

You’ve been settling for a long time. You’ve been ignoring that voice deep inside you that says…”this is not OK with me…this is not who I am…this is not my vision”. You have a job that’s not you. You have a marriage that’s not you. You have a life that’s not consistent with who you truly are.

What you need to do is start listening to and respecting that voice again. Forget finding your passion. Your passion will find you when you start cutting through the fog of resignation.

Here’s what I suggest doing:

Sit down and make a list of all the places in your life you can think of where you’ve settled for something. Get very specific about it. Instead of saying that you’re settling for your job, say what it is about your job that you’re settling for.

For each item on the list, say how that specific item or situation is inconsistent with who you are as a being of infinite possibility. In other words, what makes it inconsistent with who you are?

Then, for each item on the list, say what it would take to resolve that item to the satisfaction of that little voice inside you that represents your higher self. Take into account who you may need to talk to, what conversations you may need to have, and what you may need to do to resolve each item.

Lastly, talk about everything you wrote down with someone you know and trust. There may be other solutions than the ones you came up with. Two heads are always better than one!

The intention of doing this work is to help you notice or confront the places where you’ve given up on yourself, take action to restore your vision for your life, and begin to dissolve your resignation. You may or may not resolve all of these items. It may not be appropriate to resolve them all. You’re the best judge.

Don’t wait until your two months off during the summer to do this. Do it now, so you can use that time to fully relax and rejuvenate, without worrying about what you should be doing.

Good luck! I hope this is helpful.

-Doctor Dot-Connector

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