Heroes and Role Models

I’ve been giving a great deal of thought lately to the notion of heroes and role models. I was watching TV one day a few weeks ago, when I noticed a sensation of insecurity washing over me. I can’t remember what I was watching…only the sudden experience of being somehow “less” than I should be. “Less” of what? Less successful, I guess. Less affluent. Less intelligent. Less courageous. Less funny. Less of the kind of person I want to be.

It’s a familiar feeling, as I’m sure it is for many people. I’ve always been my own worst critic, and I have a perfectionist streak that mercilessly invalidates most of my accomplishments in life. I’ve learned to be with that mercilessly critical voice from within, and to ignore it when it starts to influence my decisions and thinking. I’ve learned to see it as normal and human to have those types of thoughts, and I’ve learned to take action in spite of them…most of the time.

On this particular day, while watching TV, I noticed that the voice of my internal detractor had been activated by something in the program I was watching. I had one specific thought bouncing around in my head…”why can’t I be more like the guy on TV?” It doesn’t matter who it was. It could have been James Bond, Captain Picard, or Ethan Hunt. It could have been Indiana Jones or Butch Cassidy. I was comparing myself to some fictional character. Some perfect character, who we, the viewers, are led to believe should serve as the example of how one ought to be. They are all the same. They are funny when they need to be, strong when they have to be, always heroic and well-spoken. They are good even when they’re bad, and bad in a way we would like to be. They are always in control, even when it appears they’re not. In fact, when it appears that they’ve been beaten, we delight in watching these TV heroes turn the tables on the bad guys and prevail in the face of insurmountable odds. Sure it’s fun to watch, but these men do not exist. They are fictional characters designed for entertainment value.

The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. When did these fictional men become the heroes and role models that I measure myself against? Insecurity and self-criticism are the natural result of idolizing these fictional characters. If every moment of our lives was pre-scripted, directed, and rehearsed…maybe then, we could measure up. But as real human beings, we haven’t got a chance at being half as suave as James Bond or half as witty as Han Solo. These fictional characters enjoy a full staff of writers, directors, personal make-up artists, set designers, lighting designers, and professional camera operators who are responsible for crafting a world of illusion that we will all humor. Not to mention that if the scene doesn’t look or feel perfect, it can easily be thrown out and filmed again, as many times as necessary. Wouldn’t that have been handy that time you lost your cool in an interview, or completely blew it on a first date?

How can a fictional character make someone feel insecure? How is that even possible? In my observation, insecurity comes from comparing oneself to a set of standards and expectations assembled from past experiences and environmental influences. These standards and expectations give us a point of reference to compare ourselves to. To understand where these standards and expectations come from, all you have to do is look around. Pop culture is inundated with images, sounds, and ideas to compare ourselves to. Every day, technology pushes us farther and farther into sensory overload. This makes it possible for us to see and hear more each day than people did in entire lifetimes a few hundred years ago. All the while, listening and watching carefully for the cues that tell us how to act, how to think, how to be, and what to expect next. This is nothing new. Just like supermodels in fashion magazines, these standards show us a manufactured reality, made up, air-brushed, and posed to look stunningly attractive. How can we not compare ourselves and judge ourselves according to these and other images, when they’re all around us? Yet the standards and expectations we derive from pop culture have nothing to do with true heroics or real role modeling. In fact, these standards and expectations skew our perception of reality and interfere with our ability to see our own strengths and abilities, and appreciate them in others.

Who then, are the real heroes? I’ll tell you since you’ve asked. Better yet, I’ll tell you how to find them yourself. Real heroes are people who help us see our own strengths. True role models teach us that the qualities we most need are inside us. Heroes draw forth our strengths, not our insecurities. They let us know, by counsel or example, that everything we need to be better, stronger, more effective people, lies within us and always has. I can think of many people like this in my life. My Dad is one of them. When he and my Mom were starting my family, he made some big sacrifices in order to make sure we were cared for. He worked hard to give us a secure, stable home. This sometimes meant putting his own dreams or desires aside, and doing what had to be done. He did this without reservation, as far as I can tell. I’m blessed to be his son, and to have him as a role model. Following his example doesn’t seem hopeless or impossible, or beyond my grasp, like some fantastic caper on the silver screen. He made it look easy, although I know it wasn’t. He made it look like something I have the strength to do myself.

Finding real heroes takes a shift in perspective. It requires us to view heroes and role models in a particular way. Instead of seeing heroes as glossy, perfectly manufactured icons that make us feel insecure, ugly, and weak in comparison, we have to begin to see real heroism as something that lives in real people all around us. In Buddhism, according to wikipedia, Buddha Nature is taught to be a truly real, but internally hidden, eternal potency or immortal element, present in all sentient beings, for awakening and becoming a Buddha. I like the concept of Buddha Nature, and I think it translates well into our conversation about heroes and role models. Finding real heroes takes relating to heroes as manifestations of Hero Nature. Finding role models takes relating to role models as manifestations of Role Model Nature. From this point of view, every single one of us possesses an internally hidden, eternal potency, for awakening and becoming a hero or a role model. Finding true heroes then only requires that we look for and nurture Hero Nature in ourselves and others.

As we practice nurturing Hero Nature in ourselves and others, we need to be generous. The pull to compare and measure ourselves against the standards and expectations created by pop culture is very, very strong. We need to keep in mind how powerful and mostly subconscious that inclination is. Deeply embedded in the background context of our lives, these standards and expectations provide us with ample opportunities to judge ourselves, assess ourselves, and disappoint ourselves every day. The experience I had while watching TV is evidence of this. We’re being trained to be too hard on ourselves, expect too much of ourselves, and overlook or under-value the strengths and characteristics we possess internally. Countering this cultural momentum takes believing in yourself and honoring your own strengths above fictional or commercial notions of strength and heroism. It also takes forgiving yourself for not living up to the Indiana Jones or the James Bond ideal. Comparing and measuring yourself against these or other ideals is automatic. Scolding or punishing yourself for falling under the spell is counterproductive. Forgive yourself for whatever judgments or criticisms you’ve heaped upon yourself, and let them go. Look for Hero Nature in those around you and acknowledge it when you see it. Help others to see their own strengths and capabilities. As for me, I will practice seeing fictional characters for what they are.

Now, go be a hero. Go be a role model.

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