Facing the Unknown

Fear

How many times have you stopped short of pursuing some goal because of your fear of facing the unknown? How many times have you given up on something really important to you when it started to seem too hard, too scary, or too stressful? Whether you’re thinking about changing careers, starting your own business, asking someone out on a date, investing in stocks, or joining a gym, life is fraught with experiences that challenge our willingness and ability to face the unknown.

In most cases, we move through these experiences on auto-pilot, protected by whatever defense-mechanisms and coping skills we’ve developed through the years to quell our fears and keep us in control of life. Without even noticing, we make decisions that steer us away from the unknown and into areas of familiarity, security, and safety. We often wish to be someplace else. We daydream about doing what we are scared to do. We fantasize about lunging headlong into greatness, but when given the opportunity, we deny our dreams and stick to what we think we can control. What is it that we fear so much? Why do we dream if we lack the courage to take action to fulfill our dreams? Why do we stop?

Control

Deeply rooted in our culture is the notion that strong, accomplished, powerful people are in control of their lives and weak, helpless people are not. We place value on being in control. We connect control with strength, power, and greatness. We attempt to accumulate money, property, and possessions, so that we can control a greater sphere of resources, and thus live a bigger, better life. This thinking, embedded in the background of our lives, prevents us from seeing true strength and power. Instead, we indulge in the illusion of strength by attempting to maintain control of our lives. We play small so we have a better chance of winning. We avoid taking risks because we fear greatly that which we do not appear to control. We stop short of losing control. We avoid taking risks that could threaten our experience of control. When confronted with the unknown (that which we cannot control), we lose our footing and our confidence, and we stop. We strategize, we plan; we manipulate and maneuver to avoid the experience of losing control. The thought of losing control scares the heck out of us.

Facing the Unknown

In order to begin facing the unknown, we have to be willing to see the notion of control for what it is…an illusion. As much as we want to believe that we can control life, the truth is that we can’t. Life only pretends to let us control it. It seems to be controllable but it’s not. On the morning of September 11^th, 2001, I remember driving to work in Boston. I had the radio on in my car and at 8:30am, there was no way of knowing that two hours from then, we would all be living in a completely different world. I remember listening in disbelief after the planes had hit the twin towers. My thoughts were racing. I thought about people I knew who worked in the towers. Did they get out? Were they ok? I thought about all the times I had been there myself. I wondered what would happen next. I was upset and scared. Before the towers collapsed, I distinctly remember thinking about the extent of the damage from the impact of the planes and wondering how on earth they would fix it. I tried to imagine how they would repair the damage and rebuild the top floors. It never once occurred to me, listening to the radio in Boston that both towers would collapse completely as a result of the damage. It didn’t seem possible, but it was. Despite all attempts to prevent such a thing from happening, the result was beyond our control.

In the following days, I noticed something else. I noticed the world as it would be without the illusion of control. I saw it in the way people took care of each other. I saw it in the way people supported one another. I saw it in the rescue effort, and the cleanup. I saw it in the flags people put on their cars. It was the only time in my life that I remember seeing our country as one people. We put our differences aside, helped each other, and moved forward into the unknown together.

When the illusion of control is shattered, we have nothing to cling to anymore. With no safety, stability, or comfort in sight, we’re forced to confront the true nature of life. It is this experience of groundlessness that we resist or avoid in life. Facing the unknown requires us to embrace the essential groundlessness of life. Only then, with no floor beneath us and no hope of control, can we be free. Facing the unknown means letting go of whatever illusions of control and security we have and embracing the true nature of life.

Gaining Strength

What is strength? True strength comes from the ability to live beyond the illusion of control. True strength and power come not from controlling our circumstances, but from our ability to be with things as they are naturally…unpredictable, groundless, and uncontrollable. We all have this ability, but using it takes all the courage we can summon. Here are some suggestions which may help:

Trust yourself. You’re strong enough to face whatever it is you fear. You’re strong enough to be with the uncertainty and the groundlessness of it all. Relax and let go of trying to control everything. Richard Bach says, “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly”. Just because it doesn’t go how you think it should or wish it would, doesn’t make it wrong, and doesn’t make it a problem. Sometimes the greatest opportunities lay behind apparent disaster.

Trust your gut. You have the ability to live beyond the illusion of control and step out into the unknown. Your gut will tell you when you’re not doing that. When you resist life as it truly is…groundless and unpredictable, and instead indulge in the illusion of control and security, your gut will let you know. We all know deep down when we’re lying, no matter how brilliant the lie.

Have compassion for yourself. You’ll run from the true nature of your life every day and grasp for control. You’ll do it at work, you’ll do it in your relationships, and you’ll do it when you walk the dog, cook dinner, or buy a new car. Accept this as part of being human. Hiding from the unknown doesn’t make you a weak person. It doesn’t mean you’re a coward. It only means you’re a human being. For a human being to face the unknown and embrace the groundlessness of life is an extraordinary thing. Any time and every time it happens should be treated as a major victory.

Practice. Pick something you’ve been afraid of doing and do it. It could be a conversation you’ve been avoiding, or a decision you’ve been afraid to make. Practice giving up the illusion of control and embracing whatever happens.

Ask for help. Let others support you. It’s easier to face the unknown with people who love you and care about you by your side.

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