Dating After a Long-term Relationship

An unsuspecting friend of mine was talking about a recent dating experience, and as usual, I had something to say about it. I thought it would be worth bringing to the Verve Coaching community, since the lessons involved are lessons anyone who’s ever dated can benefit from.

After ending a long-term, committed relationship, your first few forays back out into the dating world are bound to be interesting experiences. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. You’re not unlucky. You’re not karmically challenged, although it could be argued that Karma does have something to do with it.

Here’s the truth about it…

When you’ve invested the kind of energy and attention it takes to maintain a committed relationship over time, and that relationship eventually fails, the extent to which you blame yourself for the failure is the extent to which your capacity to find new love is limited or impaired.

Blame exists in many forms, both conscious and subconscious. While you may not believe you’re at fault for the failure of the relationship, it’s not uncommon to blame yourself for the failure to be some way you think you should’ve or could’ve been. For example, “if only I were prettier, if only I had been smarter, if only I didn’t take things so seriously, if only I were funnier or more exciting, it would’ve worked out”.

This kind of thinking implies that something about you, exactly the way you are, is incomplete or inadequate. If you empower this kind of thinking, you will attract people who either believe themselves to be incomplete or inadequate, or even worse, people who believe you actually are incomplete or inadequate, and who think they can fix you or make you whole.

Hopefully, this sheds some light. Of course I couldn’t just say that and not give any advice, so here goes…

Remember, when you take those first steps back out into the dating world, your relationship with yourself will play a major role in shaping your dating experiences. Take some time to identify and reflect on any limiting thoughts and judgements you may be harboring or holding against yourself. Try to see what circumstances had you make these decisions about yourself. Sometimes the awareness is enough to help you let these thoughts go. Sometimes it helps to talk about it.

Trust yourself and your gut when it comes to who you date. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Exercise your right to choose someone you’re really interested in being with.

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