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Dear Doctor Dot-Connector,
I have a problem with my best friend’s son. He is in sixth grade with my oldest son, and I also have a son in 4th grade. My friend’s son has a nasty temper, uses the foulest language I have ever heard, and my sons want to be his friend, but are very scared of him at the same time. My question is, how do I keep him away from my kids and still remain friends with her. She is like a sister to me, and I hate to loose her friendship.
Concerned Parent
Concerned Parent,
I have no children of my own (yet), so I can’t speak to you from my own experience as a parent. Even if I could, I would never try to tell you how to do your job, or presume to have all the answers.
That being said, the way I see it, your task is two-fold.
First, keeping your friend’s son away from your own may not be the whole issue at hand. Consider that underlying this particular circumstance is your commitment as a parent to making sure your sons have the where-with-all to make good choices about who they associate with. Your commitment is bigger than this one circumstance…bigger than this particular challenge.
You may find that who your sons choose to associate with is something you can’t completely control. At the very least, you know that the sort of influences your friend’s son represents are abundant in the world. That being the case, your commitment in the matter needs to encompass your sons’ ability to deal with these influences on their own, in as constructive and intelligent a way as possible. Trust yourself, and your instinct as a parent, to help them learn this vitally important life skill. Use the current situation as an opportunity to help your sons develop their own internal sense of what’s right and wrong.
The second part of your task is to talk to your friend about your concerns. If she’s really like a sister to you, she’ll understand where you’re coming from. It’s important that you approach her without judging her, or her son’s behavior. That’s really hard to do when you feel so strongly about the situation, but you have to be an example of the kind of behavior you want from her, even if she gets angry or upset. People react to judgment with defensiveness. You have to communicate your concerns in a way that doesn’t trigger her defenses.
You can look at it as enlisting her partnership in solving a problem that affects both of you. Tell her everything you’ve been thinking about the situation (including your fear of losing her friendship) and ask for her help in solving the problem with you.
Remember this: You’re not dealing with an either/or situation here. You don’t have to choose between your sons and your friend. If you go into it thinking you have to choose between them, you’ll end up losing either way. Approach the situation standing firm in your commitment, both as a parent and as a friend, and allow things to unfold naturally.
Good luck!
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