Being Effective With People: Part 2 (Speaking Your Mind)

The second quality of being effective with people is the ability to speak your mind.  This is the ability to say how you really feel about something in a way that’s appropriate and constructive.  Speaking your mind is saying the things you’re afraid to say, or the things you don’t think you can say, and saying them in the moment, without letting the moment pass by.  There’s a difference between speaking your mind and verbally vomiting, verbally assaulting, or arguing.  The difference is in the context.  Being effective with people takes speaking your mind within a shared context.  The context is the background or framework that encompasses your conversation.  Speaking your mind within a shared context means that the background or framework within which the conversation is occurring is clear to everyone participating in the conversation. 

Without a shared context, whatever you say is likely to be misinterpreted.  People often hesitate to speak their minds when they disagree with what’s being said, when they feel they are part of a minority viewpoint, or when they think what they have to say will make them look bad or upset someone.  Most of us have had an experience at one time or another, where something we said was received poorly, or when speaking our mind got us into trouble.  In these instances, it’s not actually speaking our mind that causes the trouble, although most of us believe it is.  What causes the trouble is failing to create or observe a shared context. 

For example, say you’re in a meeting with your boss, and your boss is excitedly telling you about a plan that you believe is rubbish.  Grinning with pride and self-satisfaction, your boss asks for your opinion, and you speak your mind, saying “I don’t think this will work”.  The context will determine how your comment is received.  If the context for your comment is “you’re an idiot”, chances are, it will be ill-received.  Same goes for “you’re wrong”, “I can do better”, or “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard”.  Any of these statements, held as a background context or framework for your conversation, will most likely lead to dire consequences.  What if, on the other hand, you distinguish the context your boss is speaking from?  Consider why your boss is asking you what you think.  Consider the time and energy your boss put into the plan.  What are his/her intentions, concerns, commitments?  What is he/she trying to create for the company by putting this plan together?  Asking these questions will help create a shared context.  If the context you speak from is “building a stronger company”, or “creating a future that will benefit everyone”, or even simply “partnership, trust, and new perspectives”, your comment is likely to be heard in a different way.  You can see that the same comment, “I don’t think this will work”, could be interpreted in any number of ways, depending on the context.  In fact, within a powerful, shared context, there is almost nothing you cannot say.  Those who have cultivated the ability to speak their minds use shared context as a tool to create space for their point of view.  When this is accomplished, speaking your mind is no longer threatening, scary, or upsetting, and rarely has negative results.  It becomes a natural part of communicating powerfully.

Cultivating the ability to speak your mind is like learning to tap into your own inner sense of things and articulate that sense.  Speaking your mind is telling the truth…your personal truth.  The truth that you have come to know through your experiences, your knowledge, and your unique point of view.  Truth is subjective, but it can be heard by all.  When you speak your truth, others know it, just like you can hear when the truth is being spoken.  Speaking your mind in this way, without filtering, diluting, or twisting your words in order to avoid looking bad or subjecting yourself to criticism, is a great strength.  People respect those who speak the truth.  People trust those who speak their minds. 

The alternative to speaking your mind is what most of us do most of the time, which is withhold.  To withhold is to keep back or refuse to give.  This is what we do when our concerns about ourselves prevent us from speaking our minds.  We withhold communication when we think we will be criticized, scrutinized, ignored, or disrespected.  We withhold when we think what we have to say will make us look bad.  We withhold when we think we may be wrong.  People can sense withholding.  Just like people can sense when you speak the truth, they can also sense when you don’t.  We’ve all had the experience of being in a conversation with someone who seems to have something to say, but won’t say it.  In most cases, we’d rather know what it is, even if it’s awkward or disagreeable, than to wonder what the person is thinking and not saying.  Being with people when they are withholding communication can be distracting and frustrating.  For this reason, being effective with people takes speaking your mind, even when you’re afraid being criticized, ignored, or disrespected.

As the flip side of listening, speaking your mind can be seen as a way of releasing energy through communication.  When you have something to say and you don’t say it, the energy of your communication becomes stagnant.  Physiologically, we experience this stagnation as stress.  Stress can affect the body and the mind in many ways, and has been found to cause sleeping problems, digestive problems, skin problems, high blood pressure, and more.  I’ve found that speaking my mind on a regular basis can be a huge stress reliever.  In fact, cultivating the ability to speak your mind within a shared context can reduce stress, boost self-confidence and self-esteem, and improve your emotional outlook.  Your physical health and emotional well-being are both very important factors in your ability to be effective with people.

This article is continued in Being Effective With People: Part 3 (Being Charismatic)                 

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