Being Effective With People: Part 3 (Being Charismatic)

Continued from Being Effective With People: Part 2 (Speaking Your Mind) 

One of the hallmark characteristics shared by people who are very effective with other people is charisma.  Charisma is that spark of attraction that has people turn, look, and listen.  Charisma is what makes people desire to be with or around those who possess it.  People trust and follow charismatic leaders, teachers, and friends.  

I’ve been thinking about charisma for a long time in preparation for writing this article.  I’ve observed that people who are effective with people exhibit charisma on a regular basis.  When I began to organize my thoughts and ideas for the Being Effective With People series, it was clear to me that the practice of being charismatic should be an important focus for anyone interested in developing their effectiveness with people.  But when it came to writing about being charismatic, I got stuck for a while.  I couldn’t figure out what it was that really put the glow in the eyes of the charismatic.  At least not in any way that could be easily communicated.  The more I thought about it, the more I tried to look from my own life and my own interactions with people, noticing where charisma was present, and where it wasn’t.

A couple of days ago, I finally had an insight about where charisma comes from.  What I saw is that first and foremost, charisma is a function of self-acceptance.  People who are highly charismatic have room for themselves.  They have room for their own successes and failures.  They have room for the best and worst of themselves.  Having this room allows them the freedom to be with people in a powerful way, and to be generous with their self-expression.  They also see themselves as originators of large spheres of influence, and they relate to others in the same way.  That is, to charismatic people, all people are charismatic, and all people deserve the same room for the best and worst of themselves.  People who are really charismatic bring out charisma in those around them.   

In order to practice being charismatic, though, we have to be able to see charisma as something we all have unlimited access to.  Those of us who are committed to being effective with people have to be able see charisma for what it is…a way of being.  Not a static characteristic that only some possess, but a way of being that requires practice and dedication to master.  By that definition, charisma is like a refreshing pool we can all swim in if we learn how.  When I was a kid, I took swimming lessons for a year or so.  I remember the levels for the different classes, starting with “Pollywog” and progressing up to “Shark”.  I’m a pretty poor swimmer these days, but rest easy, Mom, those lessons bought us a brilliant analogy for developing charisma!

Pollywog

Get in the water and start splashing around
Learn the Doggie Paddle using floating aids
Practice holding your breath and opening your eyes under water

Give yourself the benefit of the doubt when it comes to interacting with other people.  Start recognizing where your own decisions about yourself keep you out of the water, or keep you from opening your eyes.  Practice making eye contact with people and letting yourself be seen.   

Minnow

Master the Doggie Paddle without the use of floating aids
Learn basic swimming strokes
Swim under water

Find opportunities to engage other people in communication, face to face.  Try to allow yourself the room to be exactly the way you are and practice keeping your attention on other people’s strengths, instead of your own shortcomings.  Generate being interested in other people.  Fake it at first if you have to.  Listen with enthusiasm and compassion.

Fish

Learn correct breathing
Swim laps (this is where I quit)
Learn to dive off the low diving board

Experiment with talking to people.  Say the things you think but never say.  Be willing to experience embarrassment as often as possible until you’re no longer afraid of being embarrassed.  Every time you meet someone new, memorize their name and something about their life.      

Dolphin

Swim more laps
Learn advanced strokes
Dive off the high diving board

Find opportunities to practice speaking to groups, or take a public speaking class.  Learn to fill a room with the sound of your own voice and embrace the experience.  Confront and dissolve your fears or concerns about being heard and noticed.  This is not about public speaking, it’s about learning to be generous with people by letting them see you, hear you, and know you.  It’s about transcending your own thoughts and opinions about yourself so you can fully and generously be with other people.     

Shark 

Lift heavy objects from the bottom of the pool
Demonstrate mastery of several different strokes
Skillful diving

Whoever you’re interacting with is the center of your universe.  They experience being accepted, listened to, understood, and honored just by being near you.  This is because you can generate having absolutely no concerns about yourself in relationship with other people, just as easily as you can flip a light switch.  You trust yourself and your ability to be with people.  Because you trust and accept yourself, others are free to be themselves around you. 

The progression here is about becoming less and less controlled by our thoughts, opinions, and judgments of ourselves so that our natural charisma can shine through.  The practice is in identifying and transcending the barriers that keep us from being with people, and in replacing those barriers with practices that strengthen our ability to accept ourselves exactly as we are, and be generous with other people.

I always knew those swimming lessons would pay off eventually!

This article will be continued in Being Effective With People: Part 4 (Integrity)

 

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